Saturday, February 22, 2014

of Love,

There are a few days left in Love month. Love like in Lover Love. That Love, crimson red Love. A better red story. Love can be abstract and mysterious, like a puzzle with pieces floating around, like a maze with the garden at the center.

What would I do without your smart mouth
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down

What's going on in that beautiful mind
I'm on your magical mystery ride
And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright
(All of Me by John Legend)

I remember it not being so abstract. I remember what it felt like, sounded like, smelled like. I remember what it looked like and the intonation of its voice. Memory has stretched out an abstract notion of Love in my heart. Love became a voice inside my head, or my heart?...some non-existent Lover buried deep inside of me, like ashes lost in oceans. “He” became abstract, ideal, unreal, distant yet ever present. Flighty. “He” had a name and then another and then my name. And I liked “him” like that. I chose him like that...close enough in some emotional space that I could feel him, distant enough in some physical space so he wouldn't hurt me. And he wasn't “he”, “he” was Love.

You're my downfall, you're my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you

My head's under water
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

But, Love, you already hurt me. You are like a ship in the ocean weathering storms, you are stories of give and take—and you keep taking from me: my sanity, sleepless nights, a thinking mind. Stop it. Stop taking from me, stop bullying me. You are not safe. No wonder we learn to love on the surface, no wonder we don't travel you deeper. No wonder, Love. I let you enter, and you hurt me more than anything has ever done. You have taken me to the edges, to uncharted territory, to depths beyond the surface I was barely living in. Why did I allow myself to Love like this?

How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you're crying you're beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood

For the first time in a long time, I want Love to be concrete again. I want to see its face, hear its voice, smell its scent...I want it to be real again. The deep kind of good real. I asked it to be honest, even if it hurts. I would rather have it be a hard truth than a soft lie.

Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections

Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you

You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning

Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

Love Hurts. It's a Scary, Wild, Unsafe...its unsafe. Its uncharted territory, every new time. And there is nothing better than it. Sometimes Love hurts. Sometimes Love heals. Always, Love is all of it. Love laid its cards on the table. I lost. And I won.

Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts
Risking it all, though it's hard

1 comment:

  1. Keep up the admirable work. I enjoy reading all your blog posts.I can't imagine leaving my self that vulnerable, glad your brave enough to do so.